Torture Chambers On Wheels

     There's no denying the importance of cars.  I mean, let's face it, there's a movie where the whole storyline centers around these torture chambers on wheels.  In fact, I'd venture to say Cars is the best movie featuring inanimate objects (although, keep in mind, I haven't yet seen that Radio movie about all those radios).  Oh, and cars like help us get from point A to point B in the fastest way possible--which is always nice considering the fact that us awkward girls have to mentally prepare ourselves before any walk outside.  

     So, yeah, cars are cool, great, fun--UNLESS you cringe at the sight of acquaintances, wore those spiral no tie shoe laces in 2nd grade, and have permanent lines on your shins due to the habitual wearing of long Hanes socks.  In the "recipe for awkwardness," awkward girls are the dough--with the automobile serving as the yeast that causes us to rise to our optimum level of awkwardness.  Simply put, driving is not an awkward girl's cup of tea (and if you consider yourself a good driver and awkward, then you are living a lie and should stop reading this post now, seriously).  Also, let's face it, no matter how hard we tried to master Rainbow Road on Mario Kart, we always ended up getting lapped every game/throwing the controller at the TV.  What about automobiles is so painstakingly awkward, you ask? 

1) Parking lots are hell on earth to every awkward girl.  We either park so far away that our destination looks like a dot on the horizon, accidentally pull up next to a car where the passengers were just about to get out (yikes!), or park so close to the car next to us that we have to exit via the passenger side.  I'm not even going to mention parallel parking, for a simple blog post could never accurately depict the looks of horror on people's faces as they watch our 50th attempt at essentially the same back and forth motion that is getting us absolutely nowhere. 

2) Stoplights. Ha. We always forget that we share the road with normal people who know fully well that they can't sing "Set Fire To The Rain" at the top of their lungs and sound good.  Oh, and the person in the car next to you watching your American Idol audition is ALWAYS an attractive male who is a mix of Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Zac Efron, Ed Westwick, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum--ALWAYS.

3) For some illogical reason, we delude ourselves into thinking we can compete with the other cars in the fast lane.  Think again.

4) Gas stations.  We never pay with cash because, duh, that requires human interaction.  Instead it takes us 50 times to swipe our credit card the right way and standing there filling up our tank (as millions of cars go whizzing by) almost makes us feel more self-conscious than walking past a crowded bus stop does (key word being almost).

5)  It's a proven fact that on the 7th day, God created the green arrow so that awkward girls would have a reason to get up in the morning.  Without the green arrow, making a left turn causes our heart to beat faster than any presentation ever has or ever will.  Venturing out into the intersection is like throwing ourselves into the lion's den--wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress--donning a sign that says "Eat me, I taste better than any hyena you've ever had!"  Needless to say, it's the scariest part of our day/life.


Remember, friends, ya can't spell automobile without bile (I hope this makes sense......)!!!!


Peace, love, and tire marks on your friend's lawn because you couldn't back out of her driveway!
Awkward Girl

To (P)infinity and Beyond

    I finally gave in a few months ago and did it (no, I'm not referring to the ceremonial burning of all my old Aeropostale/AE/old navy sweatshirts)--oh, no, no, I joined 2.2 million of my closest friends and officially became a member of the exclusive Pinterest community.  The way I see it, I'm basically in a sorority since 99.9% of my fellow Pinterest users share a common affinity for Adam Levine (the other .1% probably do too, actually) and there's "pinning" involved--so yeah I'm, like, in a sorority, sorta.

     Anywho, as a college aged female of moderate coolness (and by moderate coolness, I mean extreme awkwardness) I felt I should step into this century/out of my oversized snuggie and see what all the hubub was about (yes, I did just use the word hubub--feel free to add my name to the registered sex offender list).  For all those who don't have a Pinterest--plain and simple, you're missing out.  Pinterest is a wonderful procrastination tool that should be in every awkward girl's tool kit--alongside economy sized hand sanitizer (an awkward girl essential), the coveted beer bottle opener (that also serves as a magnet, was purchased in Florida, and has a crab on it, cleverly exclaiming "I'm not crabby"), and car cassette adaptor (because that's the only way you can jam to your nano in your '96 station wagon).  Also, did I mention it's really fun to rewrite words that start with "in" by using "pin"?  Pinventing words is pretty cool--pindex cards, "Pinsane in the membrane," pinterracial relationship (okay, some are better than others--but you get the idea).  Little did you know, the person who created the word "pink" was employing this same technique.

      Out of the goodness of my heart (I can't even pretend to be serious as I type that), I'm going to share a few Pinterest tips--think, "Pinterest for Awkward Girls," or "Consumer Reports: Awkward Girl Edition," or "Awkward Girl's Guide to the Galaxy," or don't think at all--I understand how draining all those group projects and class presentations can be:

1. Pin all you want from LOLCats/awkwardfamilyphotos.com/your favorite funny website--but with caution.  Pinterest is where women go to look at trendy inspirational pictures/plan out their future wedding/marvel at Ryan Gosling's drool-worthy, god-like, chiseled, rock hard, defined abs.  No one wants to stare at your board with 100 captioned pictures of cats engaged in sexual acts (haha, sorry, really not funny/appropriate at all).

2.  That being said, google "best fashion tumblrs" and pin edgy outfits (which everyone and their brother/grandma/gym teacher/AA sponsor has already pinned 10x over) that your friends will admire, repin, and wanna know "OMG! Where is that outfit from? SoOoOo cool!"

3.  If you do pin anything that's edgy/trendy/not yoga pants and a sweatshirt, make sure the description is fitting.  When I pin something that I think is "sooo runway of Milan!" (but is actually "sooo Milania Guidice"), I always make sure to write "Wish I could pull this off!" or "So cool"

4.  Pinterest is great because it's the one place where being at a loss for words is totally fine--in these instances, a "." will suffice as an appropriate description (this is similar to the blank look you give when you're chosen to call in the order to Jimmy Johns).

5.  You must have some sort of "*~<3 Wedding Ideas <3~*" board because, well, let's be real--a girl can dream, right?  Plus, having a board where you plan out your dress, ring, bouquet, venue, place settings, bachelorette party, party favors, bridesmaid's dresses, husband's tux, cake, engagement pictures, invitations, save the dates, flower girl's dress etc (when the only vow you're probably going to take is one of silence) is so fun!!!

6.  FINALLY, be careful where you're pinning.  I suggest pinning from a secluded cubby in the library or in the privacy of your own home--because, trust me, nothing is more awkward than someone watching your "pintimate" pinning process (besides that awkward "pincident" when the questionable, on the verge of death, Betty White character commented on your most recent pin, "love it, but the clutch is too big!" ......)

Happy Pinning.


Peace, love, and Social (p)inadequacy.

Awkward Girl

#shitawkwardgirlssay

"I only like to joke dance."                                                                          

 "Wait, am I invited?"

 "No one knows me."

 "Why do I feel like I have toilet paper on my foot?"

 "Wait, can you hear my music?"

 "I want to die."

 "Is this normal?"

 "Am I the only one who watches Survivor?"

 "I'm just going to become a nun."

 "My sense of humor is too refined for them."

 "Can you tell I'm not wearing a bra?"

 "I just downloaded the best 90's music."

  "That makes me feel so uncomfortable."

  "This is making me sick to my stomach."

  "Is this real life?"

  "I miss Boy Meets World."

  "I'm not funny."

  "Can you wait for me?"

  "Please don't make me walk in first."

  "I hate windows down."

  "Hide me."

  "I know him, but he doesn't know me."

  "Pretend you're talking to me."

  "Where'd you get that beer?"

  "Don't worry, I'm gonna wear a tank top underneath this."

  "Wait, there's no toilet paper..."

  "Don't look."

  "I feel so slutty."

  "I can't walk in heels."

  "OMGOMGOMG GET ME OUT OF HERE."

  "This would happen to me."