Compliment (n): Verbal Raping

     Kinda funny (but actually really tragic, so not funny at all) how a simple sentence such as "I LOVE your skirt, where did you get it?!" can make an awkward girl want to set herself on fire, pogo stick off the top of a mountain, and fall headfirst into a pile of Forever Lazys that are doused in gasoline and self loathing.  Put simply, no one wants to be that chick in Mean Girls who was rocking her mom's skirt from the 80's, got complimented by Regina George, and subsequently looked like a complete arse when the whole exchange was over.  AND, don't even get me started on those giggling, sweet talking, creepy starfish earrings that Aquamarine wore.  Those earrings would bring about an awkward girl's slow and painful demise in that they actually make water boarding look like a simple playful game of bobbing for apples.  ****But, seriously, on a side note, what could those starfish earrings have possibly whispered to JoJo?  Like, "Don't worry, you only looked like a pubescent boy in 95% of this movie?" (Wait, what? Who said that?)****

     Anywho, compliments are to awkward girls as Achilles' heel was to, well, Achilles (I'm all clever comparison-ed out).  Compliments are deadly, and nothing makes us blush/consider self-imposed exile/feel more verbally raped than receiving one.  We are ALWAYS caught off guard since our awkward ways (clumsiness, inability to formulate worthwhile sentences, and complete ignorance to social norms) don't readily lend ourselves to the receiving of them.  Consequently, everytime a compliment is thrown our way, we lament the fact that it doesn't come attached to a life jacket (which would at least help us to stay somewhat afloat in the whirlpool of awkwardness that we seem to be constantly flailing around in).

     Unfortunately, compliments, for 99.999% of the population, aren't interpreted as a ticking time bomb (crazy, right?!) and are actually cherished by the receivers--thus we encounter them more than we would like to.  WELL, needless to say, awkward girls are not like 99.999% of the population and, plain and simple, COMPLIMENTS SCARE THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF US.  Why, you may ask?  Well, let's see--we spend our days fuzzy socks on, hood up, head down, iPod in, hands in pockets, pretending that we are navigating the forests of Narnia when we're ACTUALLY just trying to get through the day by being as inconspicuous as possible.  Being the center of attention/really just getting ANY attention makes us slightly nauseous--hence the piercing glare we give to family and friends when they ask the waiters at TGI Friday's to sing us happy birthday.

    So, dear normal specimens of the world, try to think twice before you drunkenly go up to the awkward girl in the restroom at the bar and tell her "YOU'RE UBER PRETTY!" or "I LOVE THAT TOP ON YOU!!"  And, trust me, you will most definitely be able to discern this unique creature from all the rest of them.  She's the one who almost walked in on a girl ("Oooooops, sorry!!! I thought I knocked!!?!"), keeps using air quotes in casual conversation, and is about to have a mental breakdown because the only grinding she is comfortable with involves her teeth at night.

     All in all, if you wish to avoid witnessing an awkward girl self-destruct before your very eyes--keep the compliments to a minimum, or better yet, don't say anything at all.  You will save us awkward girls the embarassment of  accepting said compliment (which we somehow irrationally feel is tantamount to admitting that "HAHAHA I MAKE MEGAN FOX LOOK LIKE AN UGLY TROLL AND I'M SO TRENDY HAHAHA!") and having to come up with a compliment to give back to you (which will be less of a compliment and more like a creepy statement, a la "Your hair is really shiny today?.!?!") 

     It's best to adhere to Awkward Girl Commandment #362: "If you have something nice to say, it's better to not say anything at all." 


Peace, Love, and toe socks.


Awkward Girl