It's a Friday night, lookin good, feelin better. You're with your best girl friends (because apparently you own some sort of 'boy repellant' that hasn't been put on the shelves yet) "pregaming" (even though you made sure you were at least slightly drunk prior to their arrival JUST in case someone's hot boy cousin is visiting) to a really hip playlist from your 1st generation ipod nano that includes everything from old school Tupac (because you have older brothers and are SO musically cultured ) to Avril (just to relive your tie-wearing, "trendy" days) to insert the current song that is #1 on itunes here (because you're so relevant). You have just finished taking your 8th shot (technically your 4th since you can only stomach halfsies) in the quiet solitude that is the pantry of your apartment--away from prying eyes.
Then--you hear the dreaded 5 words that make your stomach turn and your heart to shatter into a million awkward pieces. "Guys, let's get a picture!" Shit. You're about as photogenic as the midget with the buck teeth that lip syncs to Katy Perry on Youtube (which you, by the way, never fail to lol at in public, making things real awkward, real fast). Your chest looks like a roadmap to Awkwardville with all of its intersecting splotchy lines/blobs/clusters that is an unfortunate direct result of your alcohol consumption. Do I even have to mention your rosy cheeks that could also function as a potential stop light? Backing out is not an option because the designated picture taker/girl who ALWAYS BRINGS HER CAMERA/Satan will not let you wiggle your way out of this one. Also, your friends will be offended because they want to get a "BFFS PIC!!" and make cute little letters with their arms that honestly have no meaning/relevance to society along with other various cute picture poses. Plus, as much as you hate to admit it, your facebook picture IS in some serious need of updating (you don't have one).
So, yeah, needless to say your appearance screams "Am I even human?" and you have no option to fade into the background on this one. BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT. How the hell are you going to pose in said picture? If you're stuck on the end, you have to deal with the whole "to put my hand on my hip or not to put my hand on my hip?" problem. If you don't, the picture will look off balanced since you KNOW the girl on the other end is a classic "hand on the hip-er," but if you do you have to calculate a correct height for said hand. Hip is a loose term. Hand right on the bone, above, lower, diaphragm?!?! Okay, you can NOT be on the end.
Oh ho ho, but wait, that means you have to awkwardly stand in the middle and figure out arm placement relative to those on either side. If you put your hand on their lower back, you run the risk of coming off as a rapist/Rosie O'Donnell, but putting your hand higher up on their back makes you look like you're hailing a taxi (which you would never do unless you were with someone else because you are NOT sitting next to the driver). Clenched fist or open palm on their back? Your heart is racing (this convoluted thought process has taken a maximum of 3 seconds) because your friends are starting to come together for "THE CUTEST PICTURE EVER OMG!"
Oh, another minor detail, something's off with your smile. Actually it's less of a smile and more like a creepy, half-toothed snarl. What you hope is a perfect, flashy model smile that says "I'm so happy and I love life and I am basically Megan Fox!" is actually a sneer that screams "I just killed a man and hid his body under a pile of snuggies, HAHAHA!" Time is ticking, your friends are assembling, and you want the floor to swallow you whole and teleport you to a calm, soothing place--Narnia, Harry Potter World, or the nearest Amish community.
#awkwardgirlNIGHTMARE
Peace, love, and Kristen Stewart
Awkward Girl
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