I want to let everyone know I've personally experienced hell. You think having to roll a giant boulder up a hill for eternity is bad? You think having your liver eaten by vultures every day for eternity is painful? (These are references to mythology.... #awkwardgirlknowledge) Then you've never experienced PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. Nothing compares to that shit. Any awkward girl knows that she shouldn't mess with it. NEEDLESS to say, sitting across from strangers on a moving vehicle for an extended period of time is not our area of expertise. Seriously, when someone stares me in the face on the bus I usually half smile and when they don't smile back I don't know what to do with my eyes so I shift my gaze to the wall and keep half smiling. As a result I look like an invalid. SO, riding the bus is preeeetty far up there on the awkward scale... somewhere between your leg accidentally being groped by the boy sitting next to you in math lecture and the dude next to you in the library farting and having to pretend you didn't hear it.
There is one day in particular that I'd like to share with you.... a day when public transportation reached it's full potential for horror and humiliation. For me, at least.
The campus bus pulled up to the curb, right next to me. I looked at it, and this bus seemed to stare at me, taunting me, tempting me to get on and face the challenge. I could hear its engines revving, but to me it sounded like it was growling, "take a seat, ride me..." (I understand that quote has sexual undertones, and trust me, I feel more awkward typing it out than you do reading it...!!) The intelligent part of my brain told me, "Yes! ride that bus because you're late to class anyway! Face your fears you milquetoast!" But the awkward part of me (99.5% of me) told me "NO!!!!!!! Haha no offense but you shouldn't... sorry... but if you want to I mean... I don't know I'm bad at confrontation.." Seeing as the majority of my good judgment was telling me to just WALK to class, I'm not sure what drove me to board that god forsaken vehicle. But I did. Now here comes the good part.
I happened to be holding an empty styrofoam coffee cup in my right hand. I hadn't thrown it away yet because there was a group of people chatting by the trash can and I was NOT about to awkwardly interrupt their conversation to throw something away. If only I had known the trouble this would have saved me.... anyway, this cup was obviously very lightweight and hard to control if it were to fall from my hands. Understandable, right? Well, when I ambled onto this bus, I took said situation one step further. My left hand knocked this cup out of my right hand, causing it to arch into the air near some people's faces. As the cup left my grasp, I involuntarily yelled, "whooooop!" Not even "oops" or "whoops". Just think the first syllable of "hoopla" with a W and with the "o" extremely drawn out. It sounded like I was cheering for some sports team (but in reality I don't cheer in public so that comparison is inapplicable.) I attempted to catch this airborne saucer, but for some reason, every time I went to catch it, my hands had a mind of their own. I kept hitting the cup back into the air like a volleyball. It was like I was an act in a circus, prancing around juggling a coffee cup, and the group of passengers gawking at me were my audience. And the finale was just as awkward. When my hands finally agreed with my brain and I caught the damn thing, I started laughing uncontrollably. I looked around expectantly, but saw no one was sharing in my hysterics. So my laughter faded, and a feeling of disgrace and self-hatred replaced it. Haha! Oh. Needless to say, the remaining 4 minutes and 23 seconds of bus ride was absolute torture.
So, if you think you've gone to hell and back, remember this tale. Really nothing compares to it if you ask me. But if you're reading this you're probably an Awkward Girl too, so I think you can feel my pain and join me in basking in anxiety and insecurity. Now that I'm done writing my novella, I'm going to continue sitting in the corner of this library and staring at people who can't see me. (The perfect end to MLK day.)
Peace, Love, and Bowlcuts.
Awkward Girl
Hahaha, I feel you. The other day I had someone walk into the bathroom on me in a Sinclair gas station. & all I say is: "woah nelly!" (not like it could have gotten any worse, & I go & say that.) life.
ReplyDeleteDear Awkward girl, I greatly enjoyed your bus story! I have a bus story of my own that involves a small town girl mistaking a school bus as a possible public bus replacement due to a snow storm (in grade school if a school bus broken down they sent another. How was I supposed to know if a public bus broke down they WOULDN'T send a school bus as back up), being in an oversized winter coat because my mom insisted on getting a big one for my "many layers" that I would be wearing while waiting for said bus, and getting yelled at by the bus driver if I was going to get on or not. Needless to say...I did. Don't get me wrong... this didn't seem right... a fact that was made eye-openingly clear when I got on and realized that not only was it a school bus and NOT a public bus, it was an ELEMENTARY school bus. Oh yes... I was a sophmore in college. Not knowing what to do next, I awkwardly sat down, resigning myself to miss class and just simply walk home from wherever this school bus took me. But after a couple of minutes of the bus driver staring at me in the mirror he said, "Are you on the right bus?"... "No, I'm not"... and then let me off at the next bus stop. Awesomely it was crowded with a bunch of people who happen to be in the class I was heading to. So I got off the school bus, turned around to face the road, and avoided eye contact as if my very life depended on it.
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