Throwback Thursday

Ah, the 90s/early 2000s.  It was a simple time-- a time of easy bake ovens, Mary-Kate and Ashley straight-to-VHS movies, Slime Time Live, spiral shoelaces, skip-it, frosted tips and tons and tons of other awesome things.  I'm going to *try* to write a Throwback Thursday post every week reminiscing on the golden days (we'll see how this pans out) because 2013 is so gross.  I feel sorry for the kids that don't know the Zoog Disney "Let's watch a Disney channel movie" song that played before every, well, Disney channel movie.  A girl I worked with who was just a few years younger than me didn't know why Nick Lachey was famous (other than the fact that he was married to Jessica Simpson and is extremely attractive).  Crazy, crazy times we live in.  In an effort to revive your and my monotonous Thursdays, I present to you the first order of business: GEL PENS!

"And on the seventh day, God rested and he was pleased with what he had created. Except he noticed there were no gel pens, and so gel pens rained down from the heavens and fell onto the land" (Book of Awkward Girl 3:11-12).  Even this picture of these bright colored assorted writing utensils is making my heart go all jiggly and is causing a huge smile to creep onto my face.  I received the above pack of gel pens for my 8th birthday and it is still one of my favorite presents to date.

Teachers just didn't understand the firm grasp these vessels of happiness had on their students.  I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T READ MY TANGERINE COLORED INK ON THAT WHITE PIECE OF PAPER, MRS. SMITH.  Haha, just kidding, I cared--which is why I stopped using these bad boys when my grade school enacted a "no gel pens during class" ban.  Interestingly enough, I didn't stop carrying around my Pokemon cards when a similar ban was enacted, but that's another story.

One of my first (what I thought was) funny statements involved me asking a friend if they "gel-ous" that I had more gel pens than them and they didn't get it--but it didn't matter because I HAD MORE GEL PENS THAN THEM.  It was the currency of my 2nd grade class, which sparked controversy when some kid tried to swap his cheap gel pen for someone else's state-of-the-art swirly one.

Basically, these were awesome and I miss them.


Peace, love, and swirly colored goodness in a plastic tube,

Awkward Girl

CATastrophe

We all have our fears. For some it's heights, while maybe the sight of a spider makes others' skin shrivel up and crawl right off their body.  For me, it's cats. Yes, you read that right, cats. I'm not going to pretend that I'm referring to the king of the jungle tigers/lions/panthers/cougars. Nope, I'm talking about the little bundle of fur that you might be curled up next to at this very moment.  I've received many @replies about cats and if I like them and I thought I'd write this little blog post to clear up any confusion that might be floating around.

Cool, I haven't found my Ryan Gosling knight in shining Under Armour, whatever.  But does this have to mean that I have to love cats?  Cats are not my cup of tea. In fact, cats are my stubborn pouch of Capri Sun that I can't seem to poke that pesky yellow straw into.  Maybe it's because I didn't grow up around them, but they just evoke a fear in me that is only rivaled by my fear of girls with perfectly curled hair. How do you create those beachy waves, Courtney? HOW?

 Back to cats.  A Facebook friend was in the musical "Cats" and I couldn't even bring myself to look at the pictures. What's scarier than a life-size "cat" that is actually a human pretending to be a cat?  Though, to be fair, if a human was dressed up as a dog, I'd probably scream at my laptop screen too.  I don't know though because Simba playfully bats at my heart strings as if they're strings of yarn.  Because cats do that, right?  Like, bat at yarn and stuff? If they don't then they do now because I just pretended they did.  

On the one hand, fingers.  On the other hand, more fingers.  Haha, no, but back to cats.  I freak out when they purr and rub up against my legs, like I visibly get frazzled and immediately sit Indian style.  They're also so smart, like, I'm positive that every cat I've ever met somehow knows that I stole those jolly ranchers from the teacher's private stockpile in third grade.  Can cats go on walks?  Or ride in cars?  Serious questions, people. I am as ignorant when it comes to cats as I am on painting my nails without getting nail polish all over my skin.  

 If you like cats, good for you.  If you like dogs, good for you.  Just thought I'd let you guys know that I will never let the cat outta the bag because I'm terrified it might get my tongue and gouge my eyes out and sing "Shine Bright Like a Diamond" on repeat while bouncing on my head.


Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I did 
(haha just kidding, I don't kill anything but jokes),

Awkward Girl

     

Starsucks

     Starbucks as a potential form of alien currency?  Big fan--think one of those huge fans that you can't help but to scream "Luke, I am your father" into.  Starbucks as a coffee company?  Complete opposite of fan--think like Bruce Jenner's earring or Lindsay Lohan's line of coke or the water that you run over your ring pop to make it taste better.  And it's okay if none of that made any sense to you because I'm not really sure either.

       The Starbucks Christmas cup recently came out, and as a female I feel morally obligated to tweet about it and Instagram pictures of me pushing it in a tiny stroller.  I don't like Starbucks or should I say Starsucks (pretend it's creative guys). Why, you ask? Oh, you didn't ask? I'll tell you anyway you goober, I mean you've gotten this far and all:

   1.  Small, medium, and large.  Large, medium, and small.  These three sizes have been the standard since Jesus (haha not true at all, but a very very long time).  I like small, medium, and large.  I'm comfortable with small, medium, and large.  Okay, fast food chains have had variations of those sizes in the past i.e. mighty kids meals and kids meals and that "super size" nonsense and biggie and great biggie (by the way never tweet a photo of a biggie fry on the anniversary of Notorious B.I.G.'s death because no one will favorite it or RT it--you have been warned).  Back to Starbucks.  What's this tall, grande, venti jazz?  I shouldn't be made to feel like a fool when I say small, ya know?

  2.  Why is everyone inside of Starbucks so much cooler than me?  Like cute little hipster couples with your cute little matching macs and cute little hipster glasses with your cute little hipster flannels, can I borrow your coolness?  I'll trade you a red L.L. Bean backpack with matching red hit clip for, like, 5 cool points.  I call these Starbucks regulars "cof-fiends" because they're like little evil demon creatures that give you a nasty look for ordering a hot chocolate in July.

  3.  Too many flavors, too many different items, and not enough cliffs nearby that us indecisive people can swan dive off of to put ourselves out of our misery.  I don't know about you guys, but I love making decisions probably as much as Smarterchild loves getting replaced by Siri.

    What's this coffee business?  Latte? Espresso? Macchiato? Cappucino?  Starbucks has tea?  Is that allowed?  I can get my coffee iced?  Should I get a vanilla iced coffee and tell the barista that it tastes "nice nice baby" and then nervously snort into my drink?  Why did I dance around my room with that life-sized barbie?  Will I ever learn how to braid?  Why is the life-span of that zebra rainbow-striped gum shorter than the infant in front of me? (These are all the thoughts that finger-dance through my head while in the Starbucks line).

     If you've ever seen a dog try and get peanut butter off its nose then you've seen me try to order a drink from the barista.  I usually make my friend go first, and then I mumble "I'll have what she's having" while cart-wheeling away.

   4.  Wait, I lied, I don't hate EVERYTHING about Starbucks.  I love that I can give the barista any name I want.  Kara, Melanie, Trisha, Mackenzie, David, Cher, Bon Iver, the undertaker, etc.  I mean I  usually just stick with my own God-given name, BUT it's cool to know I have options.

   5.  Christmas blend, huh?  The Christmas blend I had tasted nothing like my feigned interest in the collector's coins that my uncle gets me every year.

    6.  Crap, I lied again.  I love the little green mini jousting sticks that you put inside the coffee so it doesn't spill.  I picture little elves fighting each other to the death with those lances and I get the biggest, goofiest smile on my face and I swear I'm normal.

   7.  Maybe it's the lighting or the intimacy of the tiny tables, but when a friend wants to meet at Starbucks, I know some serious conversation is about to go down.  I can be serious, but I'd rather not SO why can't we discuss your recent break-up at a McDonalds where I can at least be distracted by the little children banging on the windows of the playland and the vanilla ice cream cone dripping down my hand?  I bet you guys love my run-on sentences, by the way.

     Let's just say that my first instinct when someone wants to meet at a Starbucks is to cut off my finger and tape it to my forehead and neigh like a unicorn until my friend checks me into the closest psych ward.  Starbucks and I go together like Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan circa 2003, so take that for what it is.

  Peace, love, and beat Michigan,

 Awkward Girl

SUP.

Dear girls, guys, and alien creatures that may be navigating the world wide web and stumbling across this blog post,

     I have many interactions everyday (an occupational hazard of having over 70k followers, I suppose) and they range from "be my friend" to "you're not even awkward" to "you're not funny" to "I'm a guy and I just retweeted @awkgrlprblms #awkward" to "OMG I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED FOREVER ALONE @awkgrlprblms" to "hey I just bought footie pajamas in your honor."  I will address all of these comments in a timely manner because I'm procrastinating and I MAKE THE RULES HERE (are you scared? haha you goof, don't be scared).

    First off, I would love to be your friend (or girlfriend if you promise to play N64 with me and never try to hold hands with me ever).  Though, being friends with me requires that you never take yourself too seriously.  We're young and alive and we get to follow hilarious comedians on Twitter so relax.  You'll end up at the college, job, whatever that's meant for you.  Maybe it's because adulthood is looming on the horizon, but I've recently adopted a "who gives a crap?" attitude. Not in the "I'm going to fail out of school and not care about anything but partying" way, but in a "yeah, I'll pass by a pet store and spontaneously decide to drop in and play with the puppies for an hour" way.  So if you're cool with forgoing all responsibility for an afternoon of puppies and ice cream and blaring crappy music with the windows down then hi we're best friends because that's what I did with my best friend today and it was glorious.

     I'm not awkward?  Okay, Mr. Awkward Police.  Let me tweet stuff like "OMG awkward eye contact! so embarrassed lol!" and the only thing that'll disappear faster than my followers would be my dignity.  Sometimes I do contemplate tweeting generic unoriginal stuff so as to get more retweets and gain more followers, but then I think I'd rather saw off my kitchen table leg and impale myself while singing Miracles Happen.  Yeah, that one "problems" account may have 200,000 something followers, but do I chuckle once when I look at their tweets?  My corny sense of humor aside, I enjoy making others laugh and coming up with original relatable material.  This account is my creative outlet--and not every electrical plug fits every outlet.  If your electrical plug has remnants of dried-up ice cream on it and is often found tangled up in your desk drawer next to a tattered Harry Potter book then hey, let's go to Starbucks and order a Naked smoothie thing together because we're too uncomfortable ordering a coffee.  If your electrical plug is carefully placed in your desk drawer next to a fresh pack of BIC pens and precise to-do list then you're probably the girl that brings her boyfriend into Victoria's Secret to help pick out underwear so unfollow promptly, please.  Maybe my tweets aren't "awkward" enough for you, but my hope is that while you're anxiously scrolling through your timeline in the corner of a crowded party or alone in line at Chipotle that at least one of my stupid poorly-executed tweets will  at least make you crack a smile.

    I'm not funny?  Okay, no argument here, kinda.  I'm just a 20-year-old college gal trying to navigate the whirlwind that is exams, group projects, confusing boys, and overly-friendly squirrels.  Did I say I was an aspiring stand up comedian? No, mainly because why would I stand up when I could sit down?  Do I find myself funny? In a way, yes.  I'll be the first to tell my parents or friends when I tweet something that I find to be particularly humorous.  Do I make jokes that completely bomb? God yes. If I had a dime for every time I got the last (and first and only) laugh then I could deposit those dimes in a coin star to get, like, a billion Adam Levine clones.  See? See what I did there? Awful. Quite simply, if "I'm not funny anymore," then that implies I was funny at one point so thank you, I'm flattered.

     You're a guy and you follow me?  First off, hi marry me.  Second off, sweet.  Though my twitter handle is awkward girl problems, that doesn't mean you have to be a girl or a footie pajamas connoisseur to appreciate puns and whatever the hell else I tweet.  My twitter handle should be @thedesperateramblingsofanonhumorouscollegegirl, but I guess that was too long?  I can be awkward, I'm a girl, and I have problems.  I always second guess myself on multiple choice exams: problem #1.  My face gets red when I drink: problem #2.  I don't know what I want to do with my life: problem #3.  If you can relate to any of those problems then hey, following me is probably a great decision.  Own your masculinity, fellows and also for the love of God stop being tools and also hi, marry me.

    I know I joke about being single a lot, but honestly it's cool with me and I'm not actually that crazy and desperate.  I'm not the ugliest creature that ever walked the planet and I can talk about basketball for a couple minutes, so there's a glimmer of hope, maybe.  The right guy will present himself (with a pint of ice cream and hand-selected 90s throwback playlist, if he's smart) when the time is right.  I won't die alone.  You won't die alone.  We have friends, family, dogs, cats, gerbils, footie pajamas, online dating sites.  Everyone, relax, do you know how annoying it is to share a bag of popcorn anyway?!

    If you bought footie pajamas in my honor, bless your soul.  Welcome to the dark side, I'd love to awkwardly embrace you (via a light quick shoulder pat) and make shadow animals on the wall underneath a fort together.  I'll bring the popcorn, you bring Princess Diaries on DVD.

   If you're still here, I'm sorry.  OSU is 11-0, also. All right bye.

Peace, love, and I need to take a shower.
Awkward Girl
   

songs to beat the winter blues

Here's what I listen to on dreary days to get in a good mood. Judge away.

1. 22--T Swizzle and all of her other songs too
2. Every Other Time--LFO
3. Summer of 69--Bryan Adams
4. Don't Stop Believing--Journey
5.  Jessie's Girl--Rick Springfield
6. Stacy's Mom--Fountains of Wayne
7. Crush--David Archuleta (did I mention this isn't a judge-free zone?)
8. Teenage Dream--Kitty Purry
9. Who Says--Selena Gomez
10. A Thousand Miles--Vanessa Carlton
11. Bad For Me--Megan & Liz
12. Something More--Aly & AJ
13. This Kiss--Carly Rae Jepsen
14. Just The Girl--The Click Five
15. Beautiful Soul--Jesse McCartney (duh)
16. Welcome Back--Mase
17. Ignition (remix)--R Kelly
18. The Game of Love--Michelle Branch and Santana
19. Isn't She Lovely--Stevie Wonder
20. Signed, Sealed, Delivered--Stevie Wonder
21. Rollercoaster--B*Witched
22. Miracles Happen--Myra
23. Perfect Day--Hoku

Halloweiner

     I am dreaming about the day where I will finally hear the crunch of freshly fallen leaves under my boots as I walk home from class with visions of my glorious snuggie dancing in my head and pumpkin spice latte in hand (I don't really drink coffee, I feel like you guys like those so I just sort of threw that in there).  In short--I NEED FALL NOW GUYS.  I leave my apartment looking (but not really) all "Frank Ocean smooth," but after a minute in this humidity I look all "Frankenstein disgusting."  Plus I don't think my shorts got the memo that only elevators are supposed to ride up. Needless to say, fall a.k.a. Halloween has been on my mind a ton lately.  SO I thought I'd come up with some clever/funny/stupid Halloween costumes for you fine young people (actually these are all complete jokes so don't take these too seriously or seriously at all)

Error 400 (for all you iphone users). This is for all you lazy people out there. You can wink and say "tap to retry" and a guy might respond with "I'll tap that" but if he's smart, he'll pour a cup of tap water on your head and you'll both laugh. Oh wait, he'll laugh. Just him.

Subtweet. Roll your eyes at everyone and everything and make really vague passive aggressive statements. You could carry a sub around if you want because you'll probably get hungry and it could add a comedic element, maybe, I mean I don't know how these things work.

Twitter.  Only topics you can discuss are as follows: the weather, the election, your miseries and woes, veganism, and pumpkin spice lattes.  When you're full of food or beverage just yell "Twitter is over capacity!" in the middle of the party and you're bound to get like half a chuckle.

Kashi 7 whole grains on a mission: make those uber cute itsy bitsy teeny weeny duct tape dresses (green obvi) and put the kashi logo on them and grab six of your girlfriends and wah lah! You could also carry fake guns (unless you're particularly ripped in the "arm department") to add to the mission aspect. Also, I came up with this on my own so IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS I WANT @AWKGRLPRBLMS SOMEWHERE ON IT.

Ted parody account. Have three mindless jokes about alcohol and bacon on shuffle all night.

Kristen Stewart. Slip on the drabbest outfit in your closet and just say um a lot and rub your hands through you hair and have a vacant stare on your face at all times.

Bruce Jenner's earring. Wear all silver. You're done.

A lock of Shaun White's hair. Wear all red. You're done. 

The -itos twins. As in like beef and chicken taquitos. 

Ice cream. Wear everyday normal clothes and then when a guy asks what you are, yell "I scream!" and then scream bloody murder because I don't know just do it and don't ask questions. 

Kim Kardashian's marriage. This works for extremely short people. If you're a toddler, this is perfect for you! 

Kevin McCallister. Khakis and a red sweater. When people ask who you are, just do the classic Home Alone hands on the face scream and HAHA, you're the hit of the party!

I don't know those are just a few ideas, guys. Feel free to tweet me your funny halloween ideas and don't hesitate to send pictures on the actual day!  

PEACE LOVE AND ICE CREAM.

Awkward Girl

groovy tunezzzzz

Best 90s/oldies music playlist ever (in my opinion, which is worth nothing)/what I play at parties:

1) Do Woop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill
2) Pony - Ginuwine
3) Can't Nobody Hold Me Down -P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean "Puffy" Combs
4) Ghetto Supastar - Pras ft. Mya
5) Party Up In Here - DMX
6) No Scrubs - TLC
7) Big Pimpin - Jay-Z
8) Are You That Somebody? - Aaliyah
9) Nuthin But A G Thang - Dr. Dre
10) Overnight Celebrity - Twista
11) What's Love? - Fat Joe ft. Ashanti and Ja Rule
12) Let's Get Married (remix) - Jagged Edge
13) Where the Party At - Jagged Edge ft. Nelly
14) If You Had My Love - JLO
15) Us Against the World - Play
16) All Falls Down - Kanye
17) Mambo No. 5 - Lou Bega
18) This Is How We Do It - Montell Jordan
19) Case of the Ex - Mya
20) Mo Money, Mo Problems - Notorious B.I.G. ft. Diddy and ma$e
21) Ms. Jackson - Outkast
22) Ignition (remix) - R.Kelly
23) California Love -Tupac
24) Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
25) Men In Black - Will Smith
26) Dirty Pop - NSync (DUH)
27) Country Grammar - Nelly
28) Family Affairs - Mary J. Blige


HAHA there's my horrible taste in music/what I listen to when I'm walking to class. Feel free to judge and look up these songzzzzz and lol at the fact that a lot of it is rap and that I suck.