SUP.

Dear girls, guys, and alien creatures that may be navigating the world wide web and stumbling across this blog post,

     I have many interactions everyday (an occupational hazard of having over 70k followers, I suppose) and they range from "be my friend" to "you're not even awkward" to "you're not funny" to "I'm a guy and I just retweeted @awkgrlprblms #awkward" to "OMG I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED FOREVER ALONE @awkgrlprblms" to "hey I just bought footie pajamas in your honor."  I will address all of these comments in a timely manner because I'm procrastinating and I MAKE THE RULES HERE (are you scared? haha you goof, don't be scared).

    First off, I would love to be your friend (or girlfriend if you promise to play N64 with me and never try to hold hands with me ever).  Though, being friends with me requires that you never take yourself too seriously.  We're young and alive and we get to follow hilarious comedians on Twitter so relax.  You'll end up at the college, job, whatever that's meant for you.  Maybe it's because adulthood is looming on the horizon, but I've recently adopted a "who gives a crap?" attitude. Not in the "I'm going to fail out of school and not care about anything but partying" way, but in a "yeah, I'll pass by a pet store and spontaneously decide to drop in and play with the puppies for an hour" way.  So if you're cool with forgoing all responsibility for an afternoon of puppies and ice cream and blaring crappy music with the windows down then hi we're best friends because that's what I did with my best friend today and it was glorious.

     I'm not awkward?  Okay, Mr. Awkward Police.  Let me tweet stuff like "OMG awkward eye contact! so embarrassed lol!" and the only thing that'll disappear faster than my followers would be my dignity.  Sometimes I do contemplate tweeting generic unoriginal stuff so as to get more retweets and gain more followers, but then I think I'd rather saw off my kitchen table leg and impale myself while singing Miracles Happen.  Yeah, that one "problems" account may have 200,000 something followers, but do I chuckle once when I look at their tweets?  My corny sense of humor aside, I enjoy making others laugh and coming up with original relatable material.  This account is my creative outlet--and not every electrical plug fits every outlet.  If your electrical plug has remnants of dried-up ice cream on it and is often found tangled up in your desk drawer next to a tattered Harry Potter book then hey, let's go to Starbucks and order a Naked smoothie thing together because we're too uncomfortable ordering a coffee.  If your electrical plug is carefully placed in your desk drawer next to a fresh pack of BIC pens and precise to-do list then you're probably the girl that brings her boyfriend into Victoria's Secret to help pick out underwear so unfollow promptly, please.  Maybe my tweets aren't "awkward" enough for you, but my hope is that while you're anxiously scrolling through your timeline in the corner of a crowded party or alone in line at Chipotle that at least one of my stupid poorly-executed tweets will  at least make you crack a smile.

    I'm not funny?  Okay, no argument here, kinda.  I'm just a 20-year-old college gal trying to navigate the whirlwind that is exams, group projects, confusing boys, and overly-friendly squirrels.  Did I say I was an aspiring stand up comedian? No, mainly because why would I stand up when I could sit down?  Do I find myself funny? In a way, yes.  I'll be the first to tell my parents or friends when I tweet something that I find to be particularly humorous.  Do I make jokes that completely bomb? God yes. If I had a dime for every time I got the last (and first and only) laugh then I could deposit those dimes in a coin star to get, like, a billion Adam Levine clones.  See? See what I did there? Awful. Quite simply, if "I'm not funny anymore," then that implies I was funny at one point so thank you, I'm flattered.

     You're a guy and you follow me?  First off, hi marry me.  Second off, sweet.  Though my twitter handle is awkward girl problems, that doesn't mean you have to be a girl or a footie pajamas connoisseur to appreciate puns and whatever the hell else I tweet.  My twitter handle should be @thedesperateramblingsofanonhumorouscollegegirl, but I guess that was too long?  I can be awkward, I'm a girl, and I have problems.  I always second guess myself on multiple choice exams: problem #1.  My face gets red when I drink: problem #2.  I don't know what I want to do with my life: problem #3.  If you can relate to any of those problems then hey, following me is probably a great decision.  Own your masculinity, fellows and also for the love of God stop being tools and also hi, marry me.

    I know I joke about being single a lot, but honestly it's cool with me and I'm not actually that crazy and desperate.  I'm not the ugliest creature that ever walked the planet and I can talk about basketball for a couple minutes, so there's a glimmer of hope, maybe.  The right guy will present himself (with a pint of ice cream and hand-selected 90s throwback playlist, if he's smart) when the time is right.  I won't die alone.  You won't die alone.  We have friends, family, dogs, cats, gerbils, footie pajamas, online dating sites.  Everyone, relax, do you know how annoying it is to share a bag of popcorn anyway?!

    If you bought footie pajamas in my honor, bless your soul.  Welcome to the dark side, I'd love to awkwardly embrace you (via a light quick shoulder pat) and make shadow animals on the wall underneath a fort together.  I'll bring the popcorn, you bring Princess Diaries on DVD.

   If you're still here, I'm sorry.  OSU is 11-0, also. All right bye.

Peace, love, and I need to take a shower.
Awkward Girl